Why are you so infirm?

Over the weekend, one of my girlfriends asked me a question that has made me think to the point where I have decided to write about it.

Following weeks of me complaining about one illness after the other, she aked me in all earnestness, "This babe, why are you so infirm?"

My initial reaction was to burst into hysterics. I love that word "infirm". It's a CLASSIC.

However, after thinking about it I started to ask myself the same question.

My head hurts, my muscles ache, my chest pains, fever, cough, malaise it is a never-ending barage of symptoms.

I know that the change in weather might have some part to play in all of this, but this is NOT my first winter. Something deeper might be at play.

Pyschosomatic is a phrase that readily comes to mind.

Somatisation is one of the more immature defenses of the human being.

It is simple, basic, primal.

Could it be that I am channeling my emotional uncertainties into physical illness?

Yes He Can.

My mother was born on August 30, 1960.

On that day black people in America did not yet have the vote.

On August 29, 2008 almost 48 years to the day, Barack Obama was nominated as the presidential candidate for the Democratic Party.

For a year, my mother has devoted her life in prayer and fasting for the miracle we witnessed at 4.00am on the 5th of November, 2008.

Her generation and the generations that came before her know much better than I will ever know about the significance of this day.

Slavery, Segregation, Apartheid; they potently felt the repercussions of being judged by the colour of one's skin.

All I can bear witness to is the feeling of my success being perceived as an exception to the rule for my race.

However, today all that is over.

The inherent good in humanity has triumphed over the beast of prejudice.

Justice and liberty is truly within the grasp of all.

I am not proud just because I am black. It is much more than that, I am proud because in this moment my faith in humanity has been restored. We, as people, might not be perfect but this moment has shown that there is enough good in us to keep me optimistic for the future.

It is for this reason that I am daring to defy the cynics.

"With the help of God, Michelle and the citizens of America, Barack Obama like his fore-runner Abraham Lincoln will be one of America's greatest presidents."

Believe.

Yes he can.

Obama, Obama, Obama, Barack Hussein Obama.

Obama has to win.

Aside from his superior judgement -as demonstrated by his premium policies and his choice of Michelle-, his inspiring persona, and his distinguished appearance (to say the least), Barack Hussein Obama has to be president because if he isn't elected, the world is in SERIOUS risk.

I do not say this lightly.

The fear that grips me at the thought of the possibility of "President Palin" is far more intense than my fear of my mother!

If John McCain is elected, there is a significant chance that he might not survive his first term. I mean God forbid his cancer returns or worse still -but in my expert opinion not less likely-, a moose hunting accident occurs in the forests of Alaska.

These are harsh realities but realities nonetheless.

I do not have the power to vote but for those of you who do;

Consider yourself Batman/Catwoman with a mission to save the world from an invading, lip-stick-wearing, pit-bull.

Obama/Biden '08 in the mighty, unblemished, all-powerful, name of Jesus!

Can I get an AMEN?

Revisiting Self-Sabotage - Part 2

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with an intense desire to externalise the hysteric.

This is usually brought on by any affront to my biggest insecurity which is simply that: I am not enough.

• I am not pretty enough
• I am not intelligent enough
• I am not interesting enough

(The third being the most potent)

When I am in a situation where I perceive myself to be inadequate in one of these areas, my hysteric is empowered and in an attempt to compensate for the deficit, I grossly enlarge -almost to the point of caricature- another aspect of myself in a self-destructive manner.

I am aware that it all boils down to self-love, and I have definately improved in this area -since I learnt to accept and love my humanity- nevertheless, I am not all I could be, I do not work hard enough to maximise my potential and I resent that.

However, instead of changing my lackadaisical attitude, I seem to prefer gravitating towards activating the hysteric.

This is rather typical of human behaviour, we know what is good for us, but we prefer to do what is bad hence the number of overweight, alcoholic, chain-smoking, gun-toting, McCain supporting, couch potatoes.

However, it has become apparent that in order not to jeopardise my future, -ambitions, responsibilites and relationships-, it is imperative that I deal with these baseline insecurities and change this behaviour pattern.

It is going to be a battle.

The CROSSROADS (Part1) - IDENTITY

21, 22, and for some the 1st 6 months of 23 are the defining years that will chart the course of one's life.

Let's for the sake of discussion call them "The Crossroads".

If circumvented appropriately "The Crossroads" will be the entrance to "the best years of one's life", if not they will be the entrance to what I have previously referred to as a "half-life" ultimately culminating in "a mid-life crisis" (for the lucky ones) or to "a bitter and resentful latter life".

Notice that my use of cliché after cliché is deliberate.

This concept of "Crossroads" and its repercussions is true for all, consequently, any description or discussion of this issue will be hackneyed.

In cultures or environments where one is forced to mature earlier (as in some parts of Africa) or later (as in some parts of Los Angeles) the exact dates of the "Crossroads" might be different but the experience is the same.

At the "Crossroads", three main issues require clarification after which a choice of one of three paths must be made.

The three issues that require clarification are:

• IDENTITY: Who am I?


• DESIRE: What do I want?


• PURPOSE: Why am I here?

and the options for the paths are:

• To conform with what is expected of by family, peers, teachers, the world (easiest)


• To rebel against all expectations - contrary for contrary sake (stupidest)


• To seek an individual path honestly - recognising the need for guidance when necessary, but at all times being true to self (hardest)

IDENTITY

Who am I?

I am in the middle of my crossroads and therefore, I have no idea what the answer to this question is.

It was rather unsettling to realise that at 21 I am still unsure of my identity.

I know what I am...

• I am Christian
• I am human
• I am female
• I am black
• I am Nigerian
• I am Yoruba
• I am a sister
• I am a daughter
• I am a friend
• I am a medical student
• I am an avid reader
• I am a film-lover
• I am a budding writer
• I am an amateur vocalist
• I am British-educated

but This is WHAT I am not WHO I am.

While, all of these things in some part might contribute to who I will eventually realise they I am, they are NOT definitive of me. Regardless of what others might be predisposed to think.

I know that for certain.

The path to realising identity is riddled with uncertainties therefore, realising without a shadow of a doubt that WHAT does not equal WHO is a step in the right direction.

It is not something of shame to experience an identity crisis, it is part of the maturing process.

It will pass (gam zeh ya'avor) and when I am finally able to answer this question and the other two questions of Desire and Purpose -which I will be discussing in later posts- I will finally able to leave the "crossroads" zone and start to honestly seek my individual path.

This Too Shall Pass - גם זה יעבור‎

In Hebrew folklore, there is a story that tells of King Solomon's search for the cure for depression.



The wisest man that ever lived was at a loss when it came to handling the moods of intense sadness that assuaged him from time to time. Therefore, he called all his advisers and instructed them to think of a solution to his problem.



After months of deep meditation, they came up with an idea.



"Great King, make for yourself a ring inscribed with the following: 'this too shall pass'. Wear it always".



Solomon did what they advised and everytime he felt his mood start to change for the worse he would look upon that inscription and his mood would lift.



As this story is not recorded in the bible, I do not know whether it occurred or not.



However, real or imagined, it resonates across the millenia to me.



In my dark hours, I hold on to the irrefutable truth in the story.

I have to.



גם זה יעבור‎ - (gam zeh ya'avor)

In the middle of the turbulence surrounding you

These trying times that are so hard to endure

In the middle of what seems to be your darkest hour

Hold fast your heart and be assured:

This too shall pass

Like every night that's come before it

He'll never give you more than you can bear

This too shall pass

So in this thought be comforted

It's in His Hands

This too shall pass

- Yolonda Adams

Revisiting Self-Sabotage - Part 1

I am currently reading Helen Oyeyemi's "The Opposite House".

This is actually my second shot at reading an Oyeyemi novel. The first was "Icarus Girl" which I began several times and could never quite bring myself to finish. The term 'trying to hard' came to mind on several ungripping pages.

I digress. "The Opposite House" has rather suprisingly managed to more than grip me, it has spoken to me and I am only on page 33.

In the second chapter, Miss Oyeyemi using the voice of her central character describes something she refers to as 'the hysteric'.

I am going to define this as an element of the human soul that yearns for the dramatic and searches it out through sabotaging, mutilating behaviour that could be physical, mental or both.

The hysteric is emotional and therefore illogical.

It should be obvious to all that emotional behaviour is always, without exception, illogical. However, taking into account the alarming spontaneity in decision making that is cornerstone to 21st Century living, it is clearly NOT.

(Hence the high rate of divorce in our "meet one day, marry/move-in-together the next" society)

I digress again. While 'the hysteric' is illogical, it is an essential part of the human soul because it is intrinsic to creativity.

Nevertheless, it must be tightly policed by reason in order that it not become the driver of the human vehicle. Instead, it should remain firmly belted, in the child seat, at the rear, such that the vehicle does not find itself in a destination of macabre destruction of the soul and body.

Not Quite there Yet.

It is excruciatingly hard for me to have to admit to myself and to you all that I am in the midst of yet another dramatic episode.

I have been very blasé about the self-acceptance and self-growth I experienced over the summer.

Many times I have heard myself in a didactic tone deliver my la-di-da opinion about how easy it is to pull oneself together from the abyss that is self-loathing into the marvellous, enlightened nirvana of self-awareness.

Clicking my fingers together I have described to many that exact instant in time when I decided to love myself. "Self-love and self-awareness are the key to happiness. I have never been happier".

BS.

In what can be only referred to as the arrogance of youthful inexperience I actually believed that the episodes of intense dissatisfaction and sadness that have assailed me from time to time since I entered into the perilious tide of puberty were well and truly over.

BS.

I have been rudely returned to the reality of hormones and tears.

I do not yet have the answer.

BS.

To be completely and brutally honest, the truth is I am not yet ready to admit to the answer.

(Some of you who know me might have guessed it)

However writing has certainly helped me gain some perspective on the situation.

So unfortunately there is no lesson to be gained from this post. Perhaps that is in itself a lesson.

Introducing MissITKNOWS: A Work in Progress!

This past week has been AMAZING!

For one thing, I learnt to take blood. Granted, I have not yet been succesful in getting some out of a human but the mere fact that I was privileged to try is AWESOME!

Also, most of my dearest friends are in London for the first time this year. Seeing them all has filled me with much joy.

In addition, I have met some fabulous new people and seen some others that I have known for a while in a brand new light.

and for those of you who like gossip, for the first time in a long time, I had an unpremeditated crush...

It only lasted two days, but at least for those 48hours, I allowed my giddy female element to rule my head!

It seems like finally I have learnt to be myself, MISS ITKNOW, without apology in most environments.

I know that this is not the most original of thoughts but, being oneself as much as is possible without caring about jugement is liberating. This is the ideal we all aspire to.

(However, it is necessary to be governed at least in part by rules of societal engagement that exist to protect individual freedoms.)

I digress, my actual point is that while I had a lot of fun this week, I could not shake off the nagging feeling that I was drifting with my head in the clouds...

I discussed this emotion with my girls and I came out with the following important points:

• In my attempt to be real, I must be real to myself and not the cause of reality.
  

• Being yourself does not mean you should over-analyse all your actions; it is OK to just have fun.
  

• Know what each individual you associate with is: Acquaintance, Friend or "True Blood". I know that these categories are dynamic however, it is crucial never to overestimate. Enjoy each for what they are!
  

• If you are talking too much then, all is NOT well; there is an inner hole you are trying to fill. Learn to listen. (This was a hard truth to swallow)
  

• Do not judge people solely based on your own experiences with them. It is disrespectful to the complexity of human behaviour. People change, people grow, people are different in different circumstances; I have had a personal revelation of this recently.

• Change comes from within, your external environment should be irrelevant.

• Do not expect overnight redemption, as I have said before this is a journey, 2 steps forward, one step backward...

The Concept of Shame

Hey Guys,

Its been a while.

I miss writing my blog but unfortunately between personal illness, the Hospital and internet TV (Swingtown, Mad Men & Gossip Girl to be precise) I have been reduced to the occasional substandard post, like this one.

This obviously is unacceptable and I am working on a way to make it work! (more reasons why I should have gotten the crackberry instead of the Iphone... but the Iphone is soo pweety and shiny I had to get it!)

My favourite phrase of the last week has been "You have no shame". For those of you not familiar with "Itunu" phrases I will give you a brief summary:

Every couple of weeks, I savagely destroy a word or a phrase by sheer over use and misapplication. By the time I am done with it, it's original meaning and application is completely lost to all my friends and it is forever and ever etched as an Itunuism.

Two days ago while walking in front of the newly opened Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum in Piccadily Circus, I remarked, "London has no shame!".

This morning after watching the most recently released Gossip Girl episode following a period of great anticipation, I looked at myself in the mirror and remarked, "Itunu, you have no shame!"

When I saw the new line of Chanel looking pumps available for purchase at River Island, I shook my head and sighed, that River Island would do this fills me with sadness. Such behaviour is expected from the Primarks and New Looks of this world, but River Island? Clearly the British High Street has absolutely, positively no shame at all!

For my final example, I present to you in its entirety a message that I was sent on facebook. This has not been edited in anyway...

"Im Saheed Muritala" 28 yrs of age. a O.N.D holder. i need you if you in rested for a serious relationship. dont just see thie and delete it.. i'm a honest and open mind guy. im caring to those who know me. babe i can't swear but try me. good looking guy here in 9ja. thanx."

I rest my case.

For the love of sleep...

This week marked the beginning of my clinical career but within all the excitement of the hospital atmostphere the thing most pertinent in my mind from my experiences this week is that I have remembered how much I love sleep.

Compared to next week this past week's schedule wasn't too bad. After all the earliest I had to get in last week was 8.30 am. (Next week is going to be a brutal 8.15!) However, the act of having to wake up at 6.30 to pray before I had a shower and got dressed proved tortuous for this somnophile!

I am going to need all of my will-power, love of medicine and fear of my parents combined to ensure that I do not begin and continue my medical career constantly flirting with tardiness.

Sarah Palin! Come on McCain't... You've tacitly endorsed Barack Obama

While Sarah Palin's acheivements as a woman, a mother and a Governor must be lauded, it is obvious that she is in no way ready to be a heartbeat away from the presidency.

Some might argue that her experience is comparable to Barack Obama and while I disagree with this even if it was true, BHO has had almost two years to get himself up to scratch on issues of the economy, national security and foreign policy; Palin has three months.

Sarah Palin's views in many ways mirror Obama's bipartisan, change the status-quo mantra. Such that the decision to put her on the ticket can be viewed as a tacit endorsement of the Democrats' Presidential nominee's ideology. She was clearly picked to serve as an alternative to Barack Obama, for those die-hard "Hilly-Billies" and ardent feminists who just want to see a woman on the ticket.

McCain picked a running mate that would give him the best chance of winning the election rather than a running mate that would be the next best commander-in-chief of the most powerful nation in the world should -God forbid- the worst happen. At 72, McCain has already used up his "fourscore and ten years" therefore to carry out such a gamble on the nation's economy, security and foreign standing makes me greatly question his judgement.

Sarah Palin appears to be a good woman and in the future she could develop into great leader of America but she does not have enough time to get prepared to fill in the big shoes that she has been offered what with a campaign trail and a newborn!

She can be likened to a half-baked bread taken from the oven to be put into the microwave! I only hope she doesn't burn irredeemably...

Thank you Obama. You've Baracked the World and Changed Everything!

Words are inadequate.

I feel honoured, privileged and blessed to be able to witness the happenings during the last four days half-way around the world in Denver, Colorado.

It is as if all the pain and injustice, all the hopes and stuggles, all the victories and failures of those gone before have in this Kairos moment finally brought forth the long-awaited son.

A son who carries within his veins the substance of reconciliation.

These are precipitous times which require an honest, heartfelt, searching response from all.

We have been provided with an opportunity to leave the past in the past and take hold of our future by redefining ourselves and our world for future generations.

We can ensure that discrimination on account of Race, Age, Creed, Faith, Social Status, Sexual Orientation and Politics are no longer valid for vilification or exoneration.

As citizens of the world, it is our individual and corporate responsibility to join with the winds of change and bury the tired rhetoric of cynicism.

We MUST obliterate from our societies the fallacy that the measure of man can be assessed by WHAT HE IS without taking the time to find out WHO HE IS.

None of us can change WHAT we are but, we CAN change WHO we are.

Yes, we can!

If the son of a struggling single mother and an absentee father, can against monumental odds achieve what in the imaginations of many, including myself -a former cynic-, was regarded as impossible, we MUST recognise that there is NOTHING called impossible; our imaginations just need to be magnified.

I look forward with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart to that cold day in January where I believe without a shadow of a doubt that Barack and Michelle Obama with their two girls will take their first steps into the White House to re-route America back to its place of destiny.

I know that a renewed army of believers of all ages, races and religions will be behind them carrying on the battle and actualising the message of hope flowing from Washington to homes, schools and communities from the state of Alabama to the state of Wyoming.

However, in addition, right beside them, flanking them on the left and right, to buoy them along, will be the spirits of Jefferson, Adams, Douglas, Truth, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy, King, Parks, and all of the great Americans whose journeys gave birth to this journey.

It is to America's credit that throughout its great history, regardless of ease or convenience pertaining to personal risk, wealth or ideology, its citizens have always heeded to the tides of necessary change establishing itself as THE leader of the free wold.

This moment is testament to that abiding truth.

Going on a Brief Hiatus... but not without leaving a thought or two!

I leave America tomorrow and so for the last couple of days, I have been saying my goodbyes and of course doing all the last minute shopping which is why I have not had a chance to write.

In addition, when I arrive in England, I reckon that for the first couple of days, I will be catching up with family and friends, unpacking, getting ready for clinics -which starts on the 1st, preparing for graduation all of which might render me unable to write for at least a week or maybe even a week and a half.

For those of you who enjoy reading my random, honest thoughts, I promise that I have been thinking and will continue to think of things that I would like to share with you.

Now for today's thought:

I am currently reading two amazing books: one of them is called "Brothers Karamazov" by Fyodor Dostoevsky and the other is called "Run" by Ann Patchett. Though they are very different, both of them are filled with deep insight into human behaviour.

"Brothers Karamazov" deals with human philosophy, religion and psychology in a novel way making it one of the most outstanding novels ever written and it is second only to Leo Tolstoy's "War and Peace" in terms of influential Russian literature. I have not finished this book yet because it is rather voluminous nevertheless, as I have been reading I have run several times to fetch a highlighter or a pen to mark out blocks of undiluted truth that have jumped out at me from the pages of this book.

I will share the most potent one with you now, check this out:

"The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continually lying to other men and himself.

The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than any one. You know it is very pleasant to take offense? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated it to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill- he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offense, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine vindictiveness".

You might recall one of my earliest posts that I entitled "The Importance of Being Honest". I had never heard of this book when I wrote that. However, in the above paragraph the point I was trying to make in my feeble words has been magnificently worded and expanded. I was soo excited when I read this and I still haven't gotten over it!

I have taken two things from the above passage:

• I must NEVER lie to myself. The danger of lying to oneself is to lose awareness and insight into one's condition and sink into a situation of such depravity that it will be next to impossible to find the exit.

• I need to be certain of and confident in who I am. Taking offense is a stage in the drama-seeking cycle of the immature and insecure. It is impossible for one who is completely HONEST and SECURE within him/herself to be INSULTED. Nothing anyone says can make such people take offense because they are certain of who they are.
  

"Run" on the other hand is very much a 21st Century book. It deals with questions about race perceptions in a way kind of similar to "Crash" (the movie), but it predominantly deals with black on white and white on black perceptions. This novel nit-picks at crucial but minor details that are usually glossed over; Ann Patchett does not tell us what we already know, she makes us recognise the tiniest inkling of prejudice in ourselves that we would otherwise struggle to accept.

I will carry out a further discussion on what I am learning from both of these books when I return.

A bien tot.

Mean Girls ???

The human spirit is dynamic; constantly mutating to reflect changes in influence.

I have mentioned this before, but I feel that it is important to reiterate and expantiate on this point.

People are neither good or evil; they are human. This means thay are capable of both traits subject to environment.

Dependent on our most pertinent flaws, there will be some environments and individuals that bring out the best and others that bring out the worst in us.

Figuring out which is which comes with personal maturity.

There are some friendships that are mutually destructive in the sense that neither of the two parties involved are necessarily bad however, their individual flaws are two sides of the same coin and they feed off each other exacerbating each problem.

In the movie, "MeanGirls" -which is an education in different personality and friendship types perhaps, I shall carry out an in-depth discussion of it one of these days- Regina and Gretchen are an excellent example of this kind of friendship. Regina had a superiority complex and Gretchen had an inferiority complex, the more biting and criticising Regina got to Gretchen the more she tried to please her and that made Regina even more horrid to her.

Underlying both their issues was insecurity manifested in different ways and each was projecting her insecurities on the other. Note that neither of them were necessarily evil people. It was just that their friendship brought out the worst in each other. In another context, for example, in her relationship with her second boyfriend (not the one she cheated on) Regina George could actually be viewed as real and relatively nice.

This is why it is an excercise in futility to make conclusions about an individual's personality solely based on your experiences with them. It is possible that you could have taken a snap-shot of the worst. A picture does not capture the complete reality; it only captures a moment.

Human behaviour is complex; no one deserves a pedestal or to be completely written off.

It is like the story of the blind men of Hindustan who were groping different parts of the elephant and inferring completely different things about its nature. Each's description of the part that they happened upon was right but using that to make a conclusion about the nature of the elephant was wrong and they each went home with an incomplete and consequently, false impression.

It might be useful to cut out friendships that bring out the worst in you at least until you have completely dealt with the underlying flaws. However, in that, it is crucial to remember that just because a friendship is unhelpful to you, does not mean it is deletrious for everyone else.

I am currently going through this pruning process and it is very difficult because I love these friends that I have to let go. However, as in romantic relationships, I have learnt that love is not enough.

The pit-fall in this process is bitterness. I am being very careful not to allow bitterness to creep in because it will nullify all that I desire to achieve. I am trying to take it one step a time however, as a wise friend has highlighted to me, it is more likely to be three steps forward, two steps backwards, but at least I will be making progress :-)

Beware! The Miniscule Ones Cometh...

I was saddened and shocked to hear of Bernie Mac's death. Saddened because although, I have not seen enough of his work to make me a fan, I remember being highly entertained by his characters in the movies, "Guess who?" and "Charlie's Angels". Shocked, because he died of complications from pneumonia at just 50, that's my father's age!

It is true that it is still not quite clear what organism; viral or bacteria was responsible for his infection. However, from my perception and experience as a medical student, I have always thought of pneumonia as a disease that kills the really young, the really old or the severly immuno-compromised. I do not know what has happened in the case of Bernie Mac, because he had also suffered from sarcoidosis, an immune system disorder (though it is said to have been in regression) but his death is a good time as any to sound the alarm; deaths from bacterial infections are steadily rising!

Medical students and doctors all have bits of their knowledge base that they bury or discard in their minds. The risk associated with smoking is the most frequently buried -many doctors are chain smokers- but that which is most frequently discarded is the very potent risk of creating an ARMY of SUPERBUGS that will not respond to any current antibiotics if we continue dispensing antibiotics to placate patients like they are throat lozenges.

Imagine that you are trying to eliminate four armed murderers who live in a town with a million innocents but instead of giving the CIA/FBI/MI5 time to figure out a tactful way to go about it, you detonate a bomb which practically wipes out all of the inhabitants of the city (kind of similar to the "plan" behind the Hiroshima bombings). This is clearly a very stupid thing to do, right? However, this is exactly what happens when an antibiotic is prescribed for every sore throat, stomach bug, or chesty cough that ails our spineless, quick-fix crazy society.

The situation is further escalated by the fact that people rarely complete their prescribed dose. Once they feel better they stop taking the antibiotics. What they don't realise is that when they do not complete the dose, a few disease causing organisms can escape and evolve a resistance gene to the antibiotic. This can happen in multiple cells and where such resistant bacteria meet and mate they can form bacteria that are resistant to multiple antibiotics. In fact, we have reached the point where there are some people with infections that do not respond to the stongest available antibiotic and have died as a result.

Bacteria both out-evolve and out-reproduce us; they WILL have the advantage in a face-off battle for survival. I am no prophet of doom but, maybe this is inevitable. The resources on earth cannot sustain the exponential human population growth for much longer; something drastic needs to occur to slow it down. Perhaps this might be it.

Disclaimer: I am not yet a doctor, so please consult your medical practitioner before going on or off any antibiotics.

Learning to Love Me

As my summer in New York comes to a close, I find myself battling with mixed emotions. I have enjoyed living in and getting to know New York city and I am going to miss it but, I have also missed my life, my family and my friends in London and I am looking forward to going back to it.

However, I am not going back the same person I left.

In New York city, I have rekindled old friendships and established new ones. For the first time in my life, I have made friends that were not schoolmates or friends of friends. My microscopic view of the world has expanded and I am grateful for it. In addition and perhaps most importantly, this summer, I have given some time to honest self-reflection.

In the past year, I have struggled with unhappiness. There are many underlying causes. I have already discussed one of them in my post titled "Break the Cycle!" and in this post I will be discussing another.

Some of you may wonder why I put my deeply personal experiences on the internet for all to see and the answer is simply this: I am not ashamed of my flaws rather I am grateful for the gift of self-awareness that in periods of reflection, allows me to recognise my errors, change and become a better version of myself. I open up myself to you all in the hope that some might recognise similar patterns and effect changes where necessary and that the others might avoid these mistakes.

This summer, I recognised that for some time now, I have been trying to be someone I am not. It would be untrue to assert that I have been unaware of this problem because I am a very observant and analytical individual with a heightened sense of self-awareness. Furthermore, some of my friends tried to warn me. However, knowledge of an issue is never the same thing as acceptance. Consequently, it has only been in the past couple of weeks that I have come to really accept this truth. I have also come to understand that what leads me to struggle for social approbation is self-loathing.This was a very difficult thing for me to admit to myself.

In New York, I am learning how to love myself and be comfortable in what I am and what I represent. When I get back to London, I will have to say goodbye to or completely change the nature of some of my relationships which feed off my insecurites in order to feel better about themselves because they have been instrumental in holding me captive to self-hatred. I am grateful that most of my relationships do not fall into this category. I am blessed with great friends and family members who have loved me through these issues and have not judged me too harshly. Some of them have been invaluable in my understanding of these issues but no one could bring me to accept it. I had to do that for myself.

In conclusion, the difference between sanity and insanity is insight. I am honoured that God has given me insight to learn from my mistakes and change; I do not take it for granted.

A Short Postcript.

I am aware that in the last couple of days my posts have had an even stronger didactic tone than usual. This blog is titled MissITKnows and on first view one might wonder what right I have at the age of 21 to make such an arrogant claim.

However, to those who have remained faithful to reading this blog, I hope that what has become apparent is that my claim to "know" is actually a reflection of an earnest desire to discover deep truths about myself and the world around me through my writing.

I have already discussed in an earlier post how thinking and writing are synonymous activities for me.

The Necessity of Sacrifice

Yesterday, I spent the day in Times Square with an old friend from high school in Nigeria that I haven't seen in years.

I hate Times Square.

Everything about it is soo big, vulgar and loud; it highlights all that is bad about American/modern civilisation in a few square miles.

I digress. After having lunch we went to see the new Mummy movie which was all that you would expect from a Mummy movie and much more! The jokes were obvious and silly but still funny, there was action, there was romance and there was Brendan Fraser; I love Brendan Fraser! The only thing I didn't really like was Maria Bello, her fake British accent got slightly annoying. I prefer the actress that plays Brendan's love interest in the prequels.

The reason why I have told you all of this was because it was in the movie that the idea for this post came to me. I don't want to spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it yet but, as in all action movies worth their salt, someone's life is required as a sacrifice to save the lives of many.

This is not in itself an original idea or thought, after all it is central to the crux of my faith. However, the thought that came to me that is perhaps not as obvious is the fact that every decision we make big or small in every sphere of our lives is linked to a sacrifice; what the economists refer to as opportunity cost.

For example:

All the time I have spent studying this summer, going to class from 8 to 5, is a sacrifice so that someday in the future, I can be qualified to practice as a doctor in America.

All the time I have spent in England away from my family, is a sacrifice so I can get a solid education.

To sustain my inter-personal relationships, I have had to sacrifice some of my personal independence in compromise.

And of course that which is most important to me; to sustain my relationship with God, I have to sacrifice daily.

It is sometimes difficult to make these sacrifices, but they are absolutely necessary for me to be who I want to be.

Ikoyi, VI, VGC, Lekki... at what cost?

Watch this video:

http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2008/08/05/purefoy.lagos.house.prices.cnn?iref=videosearch

Those of you with a reaction or an opinion please let me know what you think and we can begin a discussion on this issue.

• I do not guage the lack of response to this post as an indication of lack of care about this issue rather I am going to interprete it to mean that this topic is too far removed from the day to day existence of the readers to cause a response and that is fair enough.

I am still trying to gather enough information from both sides of the issue to form an opinion but when I have formed one, you will be the first to know.

The Sex Files: Part 4 - Freedom of Thought

Before I begin my discussion on homosexuality and the gay marriage debate, I would like to share a little insight with you.

My stance for abstinence is completely a personal choice. I cannot and should not think it right to make that choice for anyone. All I can do is make sure that they have sufficient, unbiased information to make a decision.

It is difficult for some people to understand this and what they end up doing by trying to force people to accept their view is that they cause people to associate their view with a violation of personal liberty.

Consequently, some people who might otherwise have come to a similar conclusion don't even consider abstinence as an option because they have perceived it as just another hypocritical cage.

Part 5 will soon follow.

The Origin of the phrase "Brigerian"

I did not coin the phrase Brigerian. It was coined by my sister's boyfriend last summer on a long journey from New York to Boston in a Chinatown bus! My sister and I were discussing some of our friends in England, that he of course didn't know, in our Nigerian accents, which he struggles to understand, and he was getting quite bored.

In his frustration, he turned to us and said, "Enough about the Brigerians, already!" This resulted in serious laughter from myself, my sister and other passengers on the bus and since then the phrase has stuck.

SO there you have it, the Brigerian phrase was coined by an African-American. How ironic...

The Simple Pleasures of Life.

I was just re-reading this post and for a second I considered deleting it because from a critical perspective it can be viewed as unoriginal and uninspired. However, after a little more thought, I decided against it.

I wrote it after a long day in class and an even longer commute home. I was just really glad to be home and writing this list seemed to encapsulate that mindset. Consequently, while this might not be my best piece of writing, it is still my writing. Furthermore, I am truly grateful that I am richly blessed to enjoy these simple pleasures in life and soo much more.

1. The first cooling breeze of the air-conditioner when you get home after a long day in the sun.


2. A stop where the carriage empties during rush hour.


3. Your first bite into that burger or schwarma after a great night out!


4. A shower.


5. Finding a 20 pound note/dollar bill in a bag you barely carry.


6. The first sip of a glass of cold water.


7. A baby's smile directed at you.


8. Randomly bumping into an old, dear friend with whom you did not mean to lose contact.


9. His first text/call following the introductory meeting.


10. A great night in with the girls filled with uncontrollable laughter!

For all these and more, may I be truly thankful.

A Short Story: Part 1.

Once there was a poor widower who had three daughters. He loved them all very dearly but like all parents though he never showed it, he had a favourite. She was the middle child and she was called Estelle.

Estelle could be called neither beautiful nor ugly; she had one of those interesting faces that you have to give it a second look and a third look to even begin to fathom how her features are set out.

Consequently, in the village in which they lived, Estelle was a figure of intrigue. This was much to the annoyance of her sisters who were both conventionally pretty but, they had what I can only describe as a common face. The difference in their looks is as the difference between the characters, Dr. Meredith Grey and Dr. Isabel (Izzie) Stevens in the medical drama, Grey's Anatomy.

Despite this, the sisters loved each other as much as is naturally possible for three women.

The father of the girls provided for them by working as a butler in the home of the Lord of the county, a jovial fellow known as Lord Homfry.

Lord Homfry was viewed by his peers at the House as a bumbling bufoon. This should not be considered as an insult for, they loved him dearly. He was a funny man and he made them laugh many times at risk of his own dignity. Those familiar with the drudgery of Parliament will understand that it was refreshing to all to have a seated member who did not take himself too seriously.

Lord Homfry was also a man of exquisite style and taste; he was always well suited in the up-to-minute couture from the Parisian Tailors and he hosted extravagant soirees that were attended by everyone in respectable society (and a few who weren't) including His Royal Highness, The Prince of Wales.

Lord Homfry was himself a widower and was very fond of his butler's daughters, as he had no daughters of his own, only a son. Thus, during their childhood, he was more than happy to have them come to play in his castle. He would often practice his jokes on them and they were always a willing and responsive audience. Consequently, the girls regarded Lord Homfry and his son as they would a favourite uncle and cousin and they in return loved them as nieces and cousins.

This was of course unusual for the time period and as people tend to do towards the unfamiliar; the girls' close relationship with the Lord was widely critcised in the village.

Part 2 will follow shortly.

What is behind Green Eyes?

• Insecurity

Deal with low self-esteem and you will eradicate the green-eyed monster that lurks beneath.

There is a monster in us all. Whether it be green-eyed(envy), red-eyed(anger) or blue-eyed(lust). In times of provocation, humiliation, boredom and dissatifaction, it tends to rear its ugly head.

Maturity = controlling the monster.

For those of you who are victims of the green-eyed monster -which is the most commonly observed amongst women- I know its hard to accept but, in a twisted way it is actually a compliment.

It is understandable that you might feel that the perpetrators deserve nothing from you however, you WILL be the better person if you show them sympathy and understanding instead of vengeful animosity.

Remember, there is a monster in us all.

This is another one of life's more obvious mysteries.

PS This is VERY important: Ladies, RUN AWAY from a man who cannot control his red-eyed monster; he is a LOSER and a LIABILITY... YOU are way to GOOD for that!

The Con Hitlitst.

10.) Rihanna: she can't sing, she can't act, she can't dance; she is just a perfectly packaged product.

9.) Take-out Chinese: That's not food. Don't know what it is but it is DEFINATELY not food!

8.) Weight Watchers: Enough said.

7.) Halle Berry's Oscar Win: Let's face it, no black woman has ever won the best actress Academy Award.

6.) Windows Vista: It will NEVER compare to a Mac.

5.) The Tate Modern: If I wanted to see a pile of junk, I would visit my local trash heap.

4.) Invisible Anti-Perspirant: I have the stains to prove it!

3.) Happy Meals: They don't make kids happy, they make them fat and that makes them and their parents sad!

2.) David Blaine: That man really really needs to get a life; he reeks of desperation.

Drumrolls please.

the number 1 con is...

Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon's medical license: He is not a surgeon, He is a butcher! How on earth is he still practising?

The Last Kiss

I stumbled across this movie a couple of weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it.

Though it is no masterpiece, it is intelligent and well executed. And in addition, there is something about the plot that struck a chord.

Zach Braff excels as a man approaching his 30th birthday when he suddenly realises that there have been no detours, no setbacks, no deletrious mistakes; he has almost completed his set goals.

This freaks him out and subconsciously he begins to seek out chaos.

I will not reveal how it concludes so as not to ruin it for those who haven't seen it but I will say this:

Those of us privileged enough to find ourselves easily drifting towards our set goals without much of a hinderance must realise that this is both a blessing and a burden.

The moment we begin to take these things for granted is the moment we begin to lose them and in doing so we intiate the process of self-sabotage.

In the past, I have been guilty of this and it has cost me; please try not to repeat my mistake.

• PS If you watch the movie look out for Casey Affleck; he was also AMAZING in his role. He is a far superior actor to his brother.

Mademoiselle, que voulez-vous?

This might well turn out to be the most unoriginal post I will ever write, but please bear with me.



After writing and deleting so many times, I’ve realised that I will not know what I want until I’ve found it.



However, I can tell you what I don’t want.



None of these arrogant, bad boys thank you very much! It’s a cover up for gaping holes in personality, self-esteem, equipment and wit; frankly, I don’t buy it.



None of these "Hyper-Spiritual" Christians either. Loving God should not equate with being hypocritical and judgemental. Lord knows what they are hiding!

The Sex Files: Part 3 - The Hallelujah

Though it really shouldn’t, it surprises many to know that I am pro abstinence.

I see the disappointed or shocked looks amongst the liberals and the disbelief amongst the conservatives whenever I voice this thought.

That is why it is crucial for me to reassert that I don’t judge those who differ with me on this point; my friends will testify to this.

I crave your indulgence to follow my reasoning:

As previously established, no sexual urges are unnatural. Regardless of society’s view, all human sexual behaviour is natural.

Consequently, within the spectrum of human sexual behaviour, anyone is capable of anything.

You might think to yourself, “That’s impossible I could never do this or that!” but, remember that this very opinion is a judgement ingrained by your religio-socio-political upbringing.

In a different context; you never know what you might be capable of.

Back to my point,

Sexual urges, like any of our other mammalian urges such as the need for food and water, can never be completely satisfied. It can be temporarily satiated but once that begins it can never be quenched; this is the natural design and a slippery slope that I feel unable to manoeuvre.

On the other hand, sex tied to the emotion of love is much more than satisfying a basic need. It is an expression of something deep, something special, and something lasting.

This is the reason for the Creator’s instruction.

He wants us to experience the Hallelujah* in all of its glory!

I can’t wait...

Actually I can, and I will by His Grace.

*To catch a glimpse: Listen to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.

In Part 4, which I will release in a couple of days, I will be discussing homosexuality and the gay marriage debate. Don’t even try and guess my opinion cause unless you’ve heard me speak on the issue; you can’t!

Until then, ruminate on these things while I return to lighter issues.

The Sex Files: Part 2 – The Urge

One of the first things people notice about me is that I’m a bundle of contradictions.

At this age, with my diverse background it is impossible for me not to be.

The youthful human soul is dynamic; it is constantly searching for truth.

This is especially true in the quest for sexual understanding.

Many times the truth revealed by the body and the spirit are contradicting; sending the soul into deep confusion.

This is why I eschew labels.

I am unqualified to cast judgement; I can only deliver my present thought.

I am a woman, my sexual desires, though different, are just as potent as any man.

It is a lie that women can control their sexual urges better than men.

However, female sexuality and feminity in general as appraised by present society puts women in a position such that they have a lot more to lose if they follow through on every urge or fancy.

Part 3 will follow shortly.

The Sex Files: Part 1 – Establishing the Context

Consider a normal distribution curve of human sexual behaviour.

The space under the graph represents the entire human population. The dividing line is society’s arbitrarily placed division between right (sex in a committed relationship) and wrong (sex outside of a commited relationship, indiscriminate sexual activity with multiple partners, homosexuality, bestiality, paedophilia, etc).

For the purpose of simplicity, let us assume that the left side of the curve is wrong and the right side is right.

Majority of human beings will be concentrated near the border between 1 and -1 – statisticians tell me that this accounts for approximately 67%.

Important Extrapolations:

Natural: Any trait found within the entire spectrum of human behaviour.

Unnatural: Does not exist. All exhibited human behaviour including those at the extremes is natural.

Confounding Factors:

• The existence of the supernatural forces; good (God), evil (Satan).
• The human need for labels & acceptance.
• The placement of the dividing line keeps changing with each new generation.

Definitions:

Body: The Physical Entity

Mind: The Reasoning Faculty

Soul: The Decision Maker

Those amongst you familiar with Alfred Kinsey's work on sexuality might recognise some similarities here. Therefore, I must clarify that I am not trying to describe something half as complicated as his theories. At this juncture I have not yet introduced my view-point; I am merely using logic, simple statistics and definitions to establish the context for my discussion.

The merits and demerits of Kinsey's work is not something I will be discussing in this series.

Part 2 will follow shortly.

Introducing the Sex Files...

Tomorrow, I will begin a series on sex and sexuality.

As a Christian, a woman, a medical student and an African, I will discuss issues ranging from the sex before marriage debate to homosexuality to sexually transmitted diseases.

This will not be a rehashing of already well-established opinions; this will be my real, honest and sincere thoughts.

Dust to Dust

It is difficult to write or speak about the things that really matter.

Most people shirk away from the drudgery and indifference that are the primary reality of our twenty-first century daily existence.

Work, TV, fashion, clubbing, socialising, gossip, reading, music, blogging; anything to disengage from self-reflection and the brewing dissatisfaction it creates.

I have come to realise that the human penchant for 'more' is part of our creative design and is therefore, not intrinsically negative.

Self-reflection is essential to maintain sanity. Dissatisfaction is essential for progress.

However, at the crux of the matter, the truth is: It's all DUST.

Our lives, our loves, our work, our world are a drop in the sands of time.

This is why the importance of living, really living, cannot be overstated.

I sometimes go through periods where I am existing as a half-life; breathing, eating, speaking to sustain my body but disengaged in mind and spirit. Perhaps, it is important to mention that these always correspond with a low in my faith walk.

It usually takes a while for me to recognise that I am in a rut and this realisation only comes with honest self-reflection. This is a deeply personal experience and most of the people closest to me never notice.

Following realisation, I should immediately call out to God to breathe a new life in me and restore passion and energy within but, I seldom do this first.

Instead, I analyse and analyse and analyse prolonging my restlessness until I am honest enough to tackle the root of the issue which is invariably my yearning to sustain a better relationship with God.

It is then I call out to God.

In my limited life experience, the only thing that seems able to completely satisfy is God.

Mad Men

At present, I cannot do it descriptive justice, I will attempt to do so when Season 2 ends.

For now, all I will say is that I have never been more intellectually engaged by a TV serial.

This is not hype.

Watch it for yourself and you will see what I mean.

Important Announcement

It appears I have my first critic, I am now officially a writer /blogger.

Please spare a millisecond from your busy lives to take the little survey situated to the bottom right corner of my blog title. Your input, positive or negative, is much appreciated.

Furthermore, if you wish to elaborate on your opinions feel free to comment or e-mail me.

The Fall of Wo/Man.

I feel the need to expantiate on the 9th point of my previous post.

This is not rocket science.

If you close your eyes take a leap and free fall, the laws of physics dictate that at some point you are going to land on the floor, more often than not head-first. When your eyes open and really SEE who is lying beside you, you might not like what you see.

Be wise; know exactly when, where and to whom you give your heart.

Petition to Ban Fairytales

Inspired by an idea from my sister.

To whom it may concern,


For the following reasons we hereby request that fairytales be banned from the surface of the earth:

1) 99% of women on earth are not princesses and never will be, regardless of what their fathers have said to them!

2) There are very few beautiful and kind women; those attributes are usually mutually incompatible.

3) Chivalry is dead and gone to its grave.

(Men of today are too chicken to save themselves, much less another)

4) Even if chivalry was alive it should be murdered because it is a misogynistic concept based on the fact that women need saving; we can assure you, they do not!

5) We have searched high and low for a happily ever after and have found none.

6) There is a very thin, almost non-existent, line between good and evil and most earthlings linger at this border!

7) The blonde, beautiful, skinny princess has created the blonde, beautiful, skinny model which in turn has created the brunette, plain, overweight anorexic/bulimic teenager.

8) They deceive naive girls into thinking that if they sit pretty and wait, "he" will magically find them. This has resulted in an army of bitter and confused 40-something spinsters.

9) They have conviced generations that to be happy one must fall in love but, they never warn about the searing pain that follows when one hits the ground head first!

10) The expectations they create are the leading trigger for many psychiatric disorders, individual disatisfactions and general societal unhappiness.

In conclusion, it should be considered child-abuse to read fairytales to innocent children about to fall asleep. While they might be be entertaining in the short term, they leave a trail of emotional terror and destruction.

Fairytales should be viewed as a potent threat to modern civilisation and thus be completely eradicated from society.

Apparently, I'm a Guardian!

My friend Christiana, who by the way writes an AMAzing blog (http://www.christianaa.blogspot.com/), sent me a link to the ethicability DNA test -https://www.ethicabilitytest.org/user/welcome.php, I took it and it turns out that I'm a guardian and a protector of the law who believes in doing what is right as dictated by societal norms and customs.

I like to think of myself as someone who shakes things up and does not buy into the "put everything into boxes and call everything or everyone that is not like you evil and strange" mentality of our societies. Consequently, my first reaction was to refuse to accept that description. My liberal and open-minded morality can hardly be classed as attributes held by a guardian of the law.

However, the more I thought about it, I realised that my liberal thinking is primarily conceptual and resides in my utopic mental framework. My reflexive thinking patterns and responses are based on the African and Christian beliefs which were held paramount in my upbringing and that I still rely on today though in a less rigid capacity. In that regard, therefore, it is true that I am a guardian and protector of the law.

However, I maintain that it is crucial to have a liberal thinking framework because it enables me to open my mind and break the boxes that my upbringing has placed me in.

Don't get me wrong! I'm grateful that my upbringing has given me a solid foundation but I'm even more grateful that I have developed the ability to recognise learnt biases within my psyche.

Consequently, it is true that I seek to protect the law but also and perhaps more importantly, I seek out the truth.

I am a "Guardian"; conscience nurtured by truth.

The Idiocy of Hopelessness

Uncreative individuals describe difficult situations as bleak or hopeless, but creative minds see things differently.

They see difficulty as an opportunity to outwit the odds.

It is often said, "As long as there is life, there is hope".

There is much truth to be found in this hackneyed adage.

Life gives hope and hope sustains life.

This is one of the more obvious mysteries of human existence.

Only idiots fail to recognise this.

Thankfully, you are NOT an idiot! Right?

Obama '08!

New York, New York!

When Gerard Kennedy sang "New York, New York, so good they named it twice" he was verbalising passion for the city through the eyes of a native whose love makes them oblivious and immune to the negatives.

As an outsider, my view is a lot less partial. New York is riddled with contradictions. Consider its landscape beautiful in the glow of the moonlight yet lit up with environmentally deletrious electricity. The inhabitants range from the liberal upper east-siders with their immense wealth and palatial homes in the Hamptons, to the displaced homeless looking for their next crack fix in every passing face.

Manhattan: glorious, prosperous, albeit slightly tarnished by its sometimes very unclean streets and strange smells particuarly pertinent to this olfactory-sensitive tourist, Queens: a not-quite- -so-safe haven to those looking to have families in the city, Brooklyn: the illegitimate daughter of the city - under-appreciated yet the very nerve cenre of art, history and culture, The Bronx: comes with a warning sign, but if you can survive there you can survive anywhere!

New York, New York is for the intrepid explorer, the budding fashionista, the struggling artist/e, the developing retailer, the passionate investment banker. Its not for the faint-hearted nor for those who sit waiting for something to happen. Its for those who make things happen. Though this can be said about many cities, it is never more true as it is in New York!

Those who love this city, love it despite itself. These are the true New Yorkers with the energy, passion and strength that makes this city continue to shine as a beacon of hope in our modern existence. Not because it is the cleanest, or the most beautiful or even the most technologically advanced city but because the spirit of the city, Madam Liberty, with her outstretched arm, proudly declares, "No matter who you are, wherever you come from, there is a place for you here in New York, New York!"

Let them have CARROT CAKE...

In 1967 in the rabbit kingdom, there was a meeting of the leaders of the eight powers that were.

They talked about their fat wives, they talked about their greedy mistresses and they talked about their disappointing kids.

Finally, in passing, they talked about the alarming population growth in their respective districts especially amongst those ignorant, good-for-nothing, ghetto-dwelling, faith-clinging, fast-breeding brown and white rabbits; especially those damned brown rabbits who think that they deserve the same rights as the white rabbits!

Something had to be done...

Seeing as none of them were intelligent enough to think for themselves, they called on their advisers with degrees from Burvard, Bale and other Burrow League institutions and they as all academics do began to look in the history books for inspiration.

They found it in the words of one of the wisest woman who ever lived. Her name was Rabbite Antoinette and when faced with a similar uprising amongst the lower echelon of society she famously said, "Let them have Carrot Cake". Unfortunately, her words were unheeded and the upper class in that district were destroyed by the peasants.

The advisers were astounded by the brilliance of her suggestion in the light of current scientific knowledge. Carrot cake is poisonous in excess but, these ignorant rabbits are too dumb to be aware of this fact. They explained this to the leaders and they not wanting to repeat the mistakes of the past, immediately implemented a plan.

"Feed them carrot cake, saturate them with it, let them feed it to their kids. Let all of them get addicted to it.

It might take a couple of decades but, it will wipe them out!"

And thus began the obesity epidemic...

WARNING: Rabbits beware of carrot cake... eat carrots instead!

Spring Awakening!

Two nights ago, I saw Spring Awakening on Broadway.

To be absolutely honest, it was not a musical with which I was familiar. In fact, it was one of my friends who suggested it when we began the discussion about going to see a Broadway show. Initially I was hesitant, because I have been longing to see Wicked! for a while now and was looking for an opening to suggest it to the group, but then my friend mentioned that Spring Awakening had received 7 Tony Awards last year and that made me a lot less hesitant.

The thing about my confidence in the Tony Awards is that while one cannot completely exclude the lack of bias in any major award, the Tony's allow for a wide range in creative styles, company size and budget. Consequently, their selections are usually a truly rewarding theatrical experience.

We arrived early and I immediately noticed that the stage set took up only a third of the possible space and that there was seating for members of the audience on both sides of the stage. At this point I was still unsure about the time and place setting of the musical so I looked into my PLAYBILL and read that it was set in Germany in the 1890's. From my previous experiences of theatre, that description seemed slightly suspect as the stage setting looked too bare for a period piece. I was further confused when the 6 or 7 members of the musical ensemble came on to the back of the stage; they looked more like a rock band than an orchestra.

Finally, the lights in the crowd began to dim and on the stage was a girl standing on a chair singing with a voice that glistened with the purity of childhood that yearns to understand the changes that come with adolescence.


I will continue this later.

The Importance of Being Honest.

Lies are like bricks.

As they come out from you they begin to build a wall that separates you from reality.

Lies come in all shapes and sizes

The biggest ones are the ones you tell to yourself about who you really are.

We must take care that our lies do not become an insurmountable structure that imprisons us and causes us to live a half-life; neither here nor there.

Waiting to Exhale...

For months I have being constrained
My thoughts have been captive
My voice has been censured

I cannot scream; I can barely breathe
My lungs are feeble

I am sustained only by my connection to the lifesource

I am in limbo suspended between the conscious and the unconscious

Here in present state, I lie and wait

Until I find the strength to break the amniotic sac that engulfs me

and finally...

EXHALE!

Brigerians

It is unlikely that you would have heard this term used previously but it is almost certain that once you finish reading this you will be able to spot one of these breed of people from afar:

TO be a Brigerian you must:

a) be a snob.

b) have gone to school in Nigeria for at least a year and have an embarrassing childhood picture tagged on facebook to prove it.

c) have schooled in an English Boarding school for at least two years and have a pretty convincing British accent to prove it.

c) at some point in your life pretended to eschew other Nigerians and what they stand for by finding some "alternative" form of expression in either music, fashion, hair styles, film, TV, literature and my personal favourite; art!

d) claim to hate "Nigerian" parties but yet have been to at least two this year alone!

e) go to Nigeria almost every Christmas and hang out exclusively with other Brigerians while you are there; creating a Brigerian microcosm.

f) be able to hang out with both British and Nigerian people comfortably, nevertheless though you will be hard-pressed to admit it, you are MOST comfortable with other like-minded Brigerians.

g) have at least one Brigerian which between you there is beef or a mutual dislike for no apparent reason. Actually that is not quite true the reason you don't like him or her is because they are better Brigerians than you!

h) believe that mixed-race people are the ultimate Brigerians which makes you either intrinsically beef them or suck up to them.

i) feel uncomfortable when you meet or hear about an unknown Brigerian as you think with all confidence that you know every Brigerian that should be known.

j) have seen or modeled in one of those "fashion shows" that claim to be unique but in actuality recycle already well established designs tweaked by using african prints or textures.

A few salient points:

Brigerians are chameleons they are able to quickly adapt into any new surrounding nonetheless at some point their reptilian qualities will be revealed.

Brigerians generally desire the finer things in life and would always choose the path of least resistance. Now the crucial issue to determine is whether the money they spend was meant to ensure that some poor geezer in Ukpo district of Imo State in Eastern Nigeria does not die in a road traffic accident or NOT. Which brings me to my final point.

Before you drink champagne or Grey Goose at the table of a Brigerian be very very sure that you are not by proxy drinking the blood of dead poor people in Nigeria.

My writing phobia.

Whenever I begin to write, I seldom have a concrete idea of what I want to say. But, as I start thoughts begin to collate and order themselves in an organized manner such that writing brings me clarity and freedom from the chaotic disorder of jumbled thoughts that occur in my mind.

If this is so why don't I write more? I started this blog in April with the intent of writing something at least every week in order that I might have a more ordered thought life. However, this did not happen.

I love writing. I really do but, I am too critical of myself to accept much of my writing which I consider substandard. Most times when I write something and re-read it, it screams amateur to me and this rejection of my written word starts a chain reaction which disengages me from the process of writing.

I don't want to start because each time I write I disappoint myself or rather my estimation of what my writing should be.



However, as I have previously mentioned, writing is the best way for me to find out what I am really thinking.

Consequently, by extrapolation perhaps being too afraid to write means that I am too afraid to face my thoughts and ultimately, myself.

Break the Effing Cycle!

I am learning from my limited life's experience that most of my dramas are self-created.

My decisions and actions are my choice. I am a critically thinking individual therefore before these are carried out, I am usually aware of the possible repercussions.

Nevertheless, I ignore reason on a fantastical hope that each time my actions would not produce a reaction...

I have come to realize that I subconsciously purposely do this because the backlash is usually a more interesting story and I like to tell stories.

I am not refuting the fact that Shit happens; cause it does.

However the point is, MissITKnows, 70% (a conservative estimate) of the negative things that happen to you could have been avoided.

You let it happen because you crave drama,
you crave drama because you have limited self-confidence,
you have limited self-confidence because you have believed a lie
you believed the lie because you were a child and children are gullible.

But... You are now NO longer a Child... you are an ADULT... accept yourself as perfectly crafted by your creator and BREAK THE CYCLE... it is tearing you apart and holding you back from fulfilling your destiny.

Drama Queen this is not an accusation... this is a WAKE-UP call...

Hear it!