Saturday, 9 August 2008

Learning to Love Me

As my summer in New York comes to a close, I find myself battling with mixed emotions. I have enjoyed living in and getting to know New York city and I am going to miss it but, I have also missed my life, my family and my friends in London and I am looking forward to going back to it.

However, I am not going back the same person I left.

In New York city, I have rekindled old friendships and established new ones. For the first time in my life, I have made friends that were not schoolmates or friends of friends. My microscopic view of the world has expanded and I am grateful for it. In addition and perhaps most importantly, this summer, I have given some time to honest self-reflection.

In the past year, I have struggled with unhappiness. There are many underlying causes. I have already discussed one of them in my post titled "Break the Cycle!" and in this post I will be discussing another.

Some of you may wonder why I put my deeply personal experiences on the internet for all to see and the answer is simply this: I am not ashamed of my flaws rather I am grateful for the gift of self-awareness that in periods of reflection, allows me to recognise my errors, change and become a better version of myself. I open up myself to you all in the hope that some might recognise similar patterns and effect changes where necessary and that the others might avoid these mistakes.

This summer, I recognised that for some time now, I have been trying to be someone I am not. It would be untrue to assert that I have been unaware of this problem because I am a very observant and analytical individual with a heightened sense of self-awareness. Furthermore, some of my friends tried to warn me. However, knowledge of an issue is never the same thing as acceptance. Consequently, it has only been in the past couple of weeks that I have come to really accept this truth. I have also come to understand that what leads me to struggle for social approbation is self-loathing.This was a very difficult thing for me to admit to myself.

In New York, I am learning how to love myself and be comfortable in what I am and what I represent. When I get back to London, I will have to say goodbye to or completely change the nature of some of my relationships which feed off my insecurites in order to feel better about themselves because they have been instrumental in holding me captive to self-hatred. I am grateful that most of my relationships do not fall into this category. I am blessed with great friends and family members who have loved me through these issues and have not judged me too harshly. Some of them have been invaluable in my understanding of these issues but no one could bring me to accept it. I had to do that for myself.

In conclusion, the difference between sanity and insanity is insight. I am honoured that God has given me insight to learn from my mistakes and change; I do not take it for granted.

A Short Postcript.

I am aware that in the last couple of days my posts have had an even stronger didactic tone than usual. This blog is titled MissITKnows and on first view one might wonder what right I have at the age of 21 to make such an arrogant claim.

However, to those who have remained faithful to reading this blog, I hope that what has become apparent is that my claim to "know" is actually a reflection of an earnest desire to discover deep truths about myself and the world around me through my writing.

I have already discussed in an earlier post how thinking and writing are synonymous activities for me.

1 comment:

Fausset said...

lol me and u both..i have struggled with unhappiness/depression...which leads to serious mood swings...