Sometimes I am overwhelmed with an intense desire to externalise the hysteric.
This is usually brought on by any affront to my biggest insecurity which is simply that: I am not enough.
- I am not pretty enough
- I am not intelligent enough
- I am not interesting enough
(The third being the most potent)
When I am in a situation where I perceive myself to be inadequate in one of these areas, my hysteric is empowered and in an attempt to compensate for the deficit, I grossly enlarge -almost to the point of caricature- another aspect of myself in a self-destructive manner.
I am aware that it all boils down to self-love, and I have definately improved in this area -since I learnt to accept and love my humanity- nevertheless, I am not all I could be, I do not work hard enough to maximise my potential and I resent that.
However, instead of changing my lackadaisical attitude, I seem to prefer gravitating towards activating the hysteric.
This is rather typical of human behaviour, we know what is good for us, but we prefer to do what is bad hence the number of overweight, alcoholic, chain-smoking, gun-toting, McCain supporting, couch potatoes.
However, it has become apparent that in order not to jeopardise my future, -ambitions, responsibilites and relationships-, it is imperative that I deal with these baseline insecurities and change this behaviour pattern.
It is going to be a battle.