Friday, 19 March 2010
I live beneath a cloud of fear.
Fear of expectations; of myself and others.
Fear of disease; of the body and the mind.
Fear of the unknown; the future- mostly.
I live in fear of being normal, ordinary, boring.
However, in the same breath I crave the liberty that comes with the banal.
What a relief it would be to follow a set-path and not have to worry that the 'individual' path will end up taking me to a place of loneliness and frustration in which I won't even have the luxury of blaming my failures on family or society!
Why can't I accept, why do I always have to question?
Surely, I would be much happier if my mind was simple - in the noun sense of the word.
After all, it is because of my need to be 'true to myself' that I am acutely aware of my mood and it's fluctuations.
As I am getting older, I am realising more and more that the end of my 'search for truth' ultimately leads to pain because most of humanity would rather accept lies than the truth and therefore, cannot understand the 'arrogant few' who choose to search.
And who can blame them?
I am sure most people don't go through days of complete self-loathing for not being strong enough to stand for all their ideals.
I am sure most people are not disgusted at themselves for keeping quiet instead of fighting for what is right.
I am sure most people don't live in constant fear of their inadequacy, one day, convincing them to just give up.
Or do they?